Not a Proverbs 31 Woman
Learning to Love Someone Else When You Are Wounded
The Proverbs 31 woman has long been considered the gold standard for many Christian women in America. Plaques, t-shirts, and tote bags, with the verse, “She is clothed in strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future”, can be found in Christian bookstores all across the country.
I must first say that I love this verse. I even have it hanging on my bedroom wall alongside a photo of my daughter and I. The Proverbs 31 woman is the woman who can do it all. She is the spiritual version of Wonder Woman. Smart, beautiful, resourceful, and giving. But is this standard realistic?
We must first look at the context of the chapter to better understand it.
The passage begins by referencing King Lemuel. A ruler who’s true identity has long been debated. I am not entirely sure his identity is truly as important as the content of the information being given to him.
Some scholars believe Lemuel was a fictitious ruler. I lean towards the belief that Lemuel was in actuality the great King Solomon, son of David, and the last ruler of ancient Israel.
Solomon, was known for his wisdom, wealth, and his many wives.
The advice being offered to Lemuel are coming from a parent, perhaps his own mother. If this is the case, then this passage is full of practical wisdom. Full of clear expectations that she has for him as the future king and as a man.
The biggest chunk of advice in this passage is given to him about the characteristics he should look for in a wife.
- She should be noble and wise.
- A great mother and respected by all who meet her.
- She should get up at night to prepare food for her family.
- Hardworking, successful in business, and philanthropic.
History tells us that Solomon’s 700 wives were all of royal lineage. We do not know much else about them, but we can definitely see that he was never quite satisfied with any of them. Solomon was strong in commerce and greatly added to his wealth, but he was foolish with matters of the heart.
In previous chapters of the book of Proverbs, we also get the back story to his troubled early life. Solomon had wisdom, wealth, and power, but he was an arrogant man. He created a life that only allowed room for one, himself. His many wives, his concubines, his servants, nor his earthly treasures, could fill the void in his life. He ultimately lost it all. His kingdom and his legacy.
When I began dating, I had standards that I wanted in a life partner. Some were quite trivial. Like making sure he would put the toilet seat down after he used it. Some of my standards were borderline insane, and unrealistic for any man to ever attain.
I had to come to the realization, after hours of therapy, that many of my standards were coming from a place of deep wounding. Some of them were set in place as a barrier to keep men from getting too close to me.
I had suffered a traumatic childhood at the hands of my father who verbally abused me and threatened me constantly. I grew up flinching if someone raised their voice around me, and to this day still get easily startled by anyone who sneaks up on me.
I had created a list of what I wanted in a husband based almost entirely off of what I had been exposed to as a child. That was unfair.
The reality though is that there are days when my husband and I both fall short of our premarital standards. That’s okay. We don’t run away. We calm down, and then we talk.
Running away or finding a new partner will only be a temporary fix. Eventually the same issues will arise in your next relationship. The perpetual cycle of running and replacing is exhausting. Ultimately, you end up like Solomon, bitter and alone.
I married my husband for his ability to make me laugh. That characteristic was not on my list, and was not a part of our marriage vows, but it should have been. Over the last 27 years, his humor has kept us together through some really difficult times.
I am also thankful for my faith. It has been the glue in our marriage. When we first married, I had put the best parts of me on display for him, but with time, the plaster began to crack and exposed the ugly truth.
He did not waiver. He could have easily backed out, but he didn’t. I did everything possible to derail our marriage, and for that I am truly regretful. I make no excuses for my behavior. Somehow, with prayer, therapy, and patience, we endured. We chose to fight for our relationship.
Initially, I used my faith as a way to mask my pain. I knew the Scriptures. I attended church services regularly. I spent time volunteering in various ministries. I did everything that I believed identified me as a woman of God.
I spent so much time and effort hiding my past that I did not realize that my life in essence had become a lie. Living a lie, even one that is cloaked under holiness, is still a lie.
It has taken me 47 years to understand who I am as a woman. I am flawed, certainly not anyone’s ideal, but I am also at peace with all parts of me. I am thankful for the man that I have by my side. There will be good days and not so good days. That’s okay. We have each other.
