Breaking the Cycle of Abuse
Building a Survival Kit For Your Healing Journey
I remember the night that my mom and I fled our apartment. I was asleep and wearing my footed pajamas. My mom woke me up and told me we had to leave. It was cold that night. She opened the door to her Chevy Nova and told me to get inside. She was scared and crying. It all happened so quickly that I would have thought it was all a dream, but it was real.
I was no older than four. I often have thought about that night and the many other nights that followed. It was a similar pattern. We leave. We return.
Why did we go back? Why did we always go back? Did she not see the the impact that it was having on her life and mine? The questions are limitless and the answers are few.
My father passed away in 1993. I had hoped that upon his death I would feel some sort of relief, but as the funeral flowers withered, the pain intensified.
He was at the source of my insecurities, my stuttering, my self-doubt, and my PTSD.
Shortly after my father’s death, I married my college boyfriend. He asked and I accepted. He made me laugh. He thought I was smart. He believed in me. I truly believed that his love for me was enough for the two of us. It wasn’t.
Trying to help me nearly destroyed him, and our marriage. Everything that I had kept so deeply hidden in my mind, erupted to the surface after our July wedding. I was drowning in the memories of a dead man. I had to re-learn how to trust and understand that my husband was not my father. Eventually I did.
Breaking the cycle of abuse begins with the understanding that the healing process will take time. I often tell other women that it is similar to the layers of an onion, painfully peeling away a little at a time.
The memories of the past never completely vanish, but they will diminish.
Writing, prayer, long walks, and therapy, have all been vital in my long-term, healing journey. These are my “FAB 4", yours may vary from mine. Each of my four tools, are part of my survival kit. The goal is to find a variety of ways that help you express your emotions and find peace.
First Tool: Find a creative outlet. Writing, photography, painting, crafting, and cooking are just a few of the many ways to express yourself.
Second Tool: Find a physical outlet that will improve and benefit your health. Walking, jogging, dancing, yoga, martial arts, and swimming are great ways to release stress while providing a good workout.
Third Tool: Find a good therapist. Not any other option here. They are trained individuals who can help you navigate through the layers at your own pace. If the first therapist is not a good fit, don’t settle, or worse, quit. Start the process over and find a new therapist. The right one is worth their price in gold.
Fourth Tool: Find a way to seek spiritual peace. Prayer and meditation work.
When I neglect my survival tools, I become apathetic. Those closest to me are the first to notice.Your survival tools are also there for them too. Your significant other, and your children, need to be reassured that you have a plan and that you are following it.
My husband and children are my biggest cheerleaders. Don’t leave them out of the healing process. You need their support.
There are days when my father’s words are loud. Thankfully, those dark days are now few and far between. On most days, his voice is faint, barely a murmur. Those are the days that I know that I am making progress. Some days I don’t hear his voice at all.
I am now at the point where I can say his name without it causing me to cringe or feel physically ill. His hold on my life decreases with each walk I take, with every prayer I say, and each word I write.
